Anyone who knows me knows that I tend to be moody and anxious. I have random bouts of obsessive worrying over some issue or another. Some are small, others are bigger. Some are things from the past, others – concerns about the future. Some are things we can control, others are entirely out of our hands. But in the moment of worry and obsession, I react to all of them the same way – I feel a strong physical reaction, intense discomfort at the thoughts, and whatever it is seems to be the end of the world, seems to consume me and keep me from being at peace. And somehow, there is always a reason – no, an excuse really – why THIS time it really is a big deal, and not my mind doing its usual overdrive thing.
As my friends tell me – “You think too much!” – but in the moment it’s hard to cut myself some slack and let it go. Sometimes I can, others, not so much. I pick at these things like scabs. When something is on my mind, everything reminds me of that thing. And when it dies down, or even while it’s happening, I often think that the choice of topic to fret about is a bit random – that sometimes, from my hormones or whatnot, I feel very anxious and my mind just looks for something to attach the feeling to and dwell on. And I think many of us sometimes have strange feelings of discomfort, blah, self-doubt and not being very sure of our own identities. This in turn can lead either to broad philosophical thoughts (who am I? what is my place in the universe?) and/or specific obsessions (should I take that job? is my loved one in trouble? is strapless a good idea on me?).
I don’t know when or how I got this way, how to solve it, or whether there really is anything to solve – maybe it’s just how I am and the key is to accept myself and not worry ABOUT the worrying. To put this in perspective, it’s not all the time that I am like this. Most of the time I’m not, and overall I definitely consider myself a happy person.
Now recently, while visiting with my mother, I was rather moody and we got into some of those uncomfortable deep conversations. Somehow it got into feeling comfortable with yourself and your identity (or not), as well as various other topics de jour, and my mother said – while not trying to preach to me or anything, she felt that when you have kids, these sorts of musings tend to fade away. She said you are filled with so much “joi de vivre” that you don’t HAVE this problem.
I do think her statement rang true to some extent – I’ve always thought it would be wonderful to have kids, and would give me a sense of purpose in life, and help put things in perspective. It’s only as I got older that I started to wonder if this was really true, or a good reason to have kids. It seems like I’d be having them with the idea that they would solve my issues, the things about myself that I don’t like (my anxiety and overthinking). It doesn’t seem fair to expect that of them.
Plus I wonder if parenting would make it that much worse. It was hard enough to make decisions or put worries to rest when I had only myself to consider. Then, when I found love and my husband and I started living our lives together, it introduced all these new things – how much do we influence each other? Are we eroding each other’s identities? Are we limiting our own development by being together? (For the record, I feel like we actually help each other develop, but it’s true that we all give up certain freedoms and make certain compromises when we commit to a partner/spouse.) But at the very least, I can remind myself that we are both adults, and neither of us is entirely responsible for the other – we are each responsible for ourselves. The same would not be true of children. So it could be so much harder not to freak out about things when on top of everything else there is the guilt and sense of responsibility that this other human being depends on me and my choices entirely.
I’ve also heard claims that when you have kids, you’re so busy just throwing yourself into parenting and figuring it out as you go that you don’t have time for all this angst. That could be true. But obviously I’m not going to have a kid just to keep myself busy or distracted. And if being busy were enough, then people with busy jobs (including myself during some of my busiest times) would never have this problem of angst or distracting worries, even feelings of depression sometimes. And yet, we do.
I tend to think that still, if I do reach a point where I feel ready to dive into parenthood, it will work out and overall be a positive influence. But it’s an interesting question.
And here’s the kicker – this really big question in my life, of having kids or not, does not in fact give me those anxious/obsessive feelings. I thought about it a lot of quite some time. And after starting work on my movie, and then this blog, I don’t really think about it as much, I just have ideas and if I think they might interest you readers, I write about them in my long rambling way… But they don’t give me the icky tingles in the back of my neck or the bad feelings in the pit of my stomach that other random stuff can. And when something reminds me of this issue, it doesn’t bring on a freak-out, I just think it’s interesting and perhaps address it in the movie or on the blog. It doesn’t make me uncomfortable at all, even though it is the biggest unresolved issue in my life that I can think of. I wonder what that means.
plus it is sure to change and evolve as I go. But trust me, it’s really helpful and important to write a good treatment and think about the dramatic structure of the film, even though it’s a documentary. I mean, yes we are bound by reality and what actually happens, but we still have control over how we tell it, in what order we reveal things to the audience, and which parts we choose to include. It’s a challenge to do all that and still maintain the truthfulness and integrity of the stories being told, but one definitely worth tackling.
